Dear Mr. Perks,
Please withdraw from The Players Championship. I ask you to give up your spot so a golfer like Kevin Na may have a chance to compete. Hell, I'd even be happy to see Craig Kanada get in. Craig at least has won something since you last broke 70 in a PGA Tour event. I met his girlfriend last week at the Wachovia and she seems like a real nice person too.
Last year you shot 79-76 on route to missing the cut for the 3rd consecutive year. You just are not good anymore. Sure, you are 2nd on tour in sand saves and 1st in putting, but that is because you hit too many bunkers and miss too many greens. My putting average is low too, but that's because I can chip the ball close when I miss.
So I beg of you to w/d now rather than on Friday.
Sincerely,
Shades
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6 comments:
Dear Shades,
Thanks for your concern. I was looking at your "team" and noticed that I am actually one of your better picks, despite not making a cut all year. You seem to pick 'em like hit 'em.
Similarly, your career FPGP winnings ($0) is right on pace with my 2007 PGA Tour winnings ($0). I think that is pretty cool.
You should have introduced yourself last week at the Wachovia... we could have found a nice Outback Steakhouse... mmmmm, blooming onions. As usual, I my schedule was wide open on Sat/Sunday. Not sure which one of us would pay, since neither of us have a nickel's worth of earnings this year.
Hang in there chap... I smell something special this week. Bet the farm on me breaking 76 at least once.
- C. Perks, 2002 Players Champion.
Dear Mr. Perks,
Thanks for you offer of hanging out for dinner at the Outback. But while I enjoy the Outback restaurant chain and their cheese and bacon cover fries (mmmmmmmmm). However, on Thursday I was following 2 more enjoyable players to watch. Jason Gore (2005 84 Lumber Champion) and Tommy "Two Gloves" a winner on various mini-tours over the last 2 years. Both of them finished better than you at the Wachovia, but that is neither here nor there.
While I am glad to see that you are one of my better picks of the year. It's due more to (don't call me Tim) Couch not pulling his weight and Sean O'hair being jekyl and hyde.
Play well if you do play. As they say, a blind squirrel.....
Sincerely,
Shades
A blind squirrel like on that fateful Friday in 2006 when Mr. Perks shot a 66 to make the cut that enabled him to make more than Mr. Shades did on the 2006 PGA Tour. Otherwise, a zero-zero tie. It begs many questions. What was in the water in NOLA that day? Was he on "The Cream" or "The Clear?"
I envision Perksy not breaking 80 during one of his first two (and only) rounds this week. He is quickly becoming the Ian Baker Finch of this generation, sans major title.
Damn you Perks. Damn you! I was on the cusp of thinking you were going to make that cut and have New Tex eat more words. But noooooooooooo. Enjoy the rest of the 2007 season. Q-school is just around the corner. Or you could join Per Ulrik Johansson on the Gateway Tour in Florida.
i think his exemption is for 10 years... so no Q school for a while for Perksie.
In other Shades Team news... I saw Kuehne waiting tables today... shame you can't unload him... you might be able to pick up a bus boy with a 4 handicap.
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